Finding your Own Sun

There was a time when I found myself sitting in a circle that no longer felt right.

Nothing dramatic had happened. No betrayal. No argument. No moment of revelation. Yet each time I attended, I felt a growing discomfort I could not fully explain.

What confused me most was that I still valued much of what I had learned there. The teachings themselves were not the problem. The inquiry remained meaningful. The questions remained alive.

And yet something had changed.

When I eventually left, the feeling was not grief.

It was relief.

It would be years before I could name what had happened.

The circle had gradually become organized around a sun.

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Human beings naturally gather around people who seem to possess clarity, certainty, knowledge, wisdom, talent, vision, or influence. We seek orientation. We seek understanding. We seek reassurance that someone sees farther than we do. Much can be learned from those who have traveled farther along a path.

The difficulty begins when learning quietly transforms into orbit.

At first, we gather around the teaching.

Over time, we begin gathering around the teacher.

Then, almost without noticing, we begin measuring ourselves by our proximity to the source. The center of gravity moves outside ourselves.

—

Once, I would have described sovereignty as independence.

I understand it differently now.

Sovereignty is not the absence of influence. It is the ability to remain oriented from within while receiving influence from without.

A sovereign person can learn from others without needing to revolve around them. Can admire without surrendering judgment. Can receive guidance without handing over authority. Can participate without losing center.

—

Leaving the circle did not end the inquiry.

The inquiry continued. The dreams continued. The questions continued. The search for understanding continued.

Only one thing changed.

The path no longer depended upon the guide.

This is one of the quiet thresholds of maturity. Not rejecting the sun. Not becoming the sun for others. Simply discovering that the source of orientation we have been seeking outside ourselves has been waiting to emerge within us all along.